I’m Sorry

There’s no excuse…

I have been dishonest with you all. Not blatantly, but by omission. And I say it’s dishonesty because I deliberately haven’t told y’all what’s going on, because I hate being fawned over or worried about.

Let me start from the beginning…

In the past few months, I’ve spoken to so many friends who think I have it all together. People who applaud me for how great of an attitude I have had and continue to have throughout all the crazy things that happen in my life. At the same time, I have a ton of friends who have told me they want to know more about my journey, about the things life throws my way on a consistent basis.

I usually just don’t respond because I talk to who I need to talk to – myself – and I get over it and keep it pushing. I take a dance class. I do my hair. I go shopping. I write. I get over it.

But this past week, I have felt something I have never felt before: alone.

Yes, I know I have friends and family. Yes, I know I have Jesus. But with certain things in my life, the loneliness comes from the fact that I am surrounded by people who will never understand what is going on because they will never have to go through it. It’s one thing to fall ill, it’s an entirely different thing to have your body betray you. You have diabetes? OK, watch your sugar intake. You have high cholesterol? OK, watch your fat intake. But I…I exist, therefore I have these illnesses. And this is something that is always in the back of my mind. I have a LOT to think about, and sometimes, it’s like…can I just have some normal problems? Can a man just cheat on me? Or like, can I not be able to make rent? Literally anything else??

So as a friend put it yesterday, what I thought was me just dealing with things has actually been a sort of veiled high-functioning depression. Speaking to another friend, one who told me she saw how together my life was, she mentioned that she was scared to know what was underneath it all. Smart girl. There’s a lot under here, and as people who have been so great to me, you deserve to know. So coming soon, I’m going to be letting you in on it…

For someone who has the gift of communication, I sure have not been communicating well for myself. I have been able to tell everyone everything about everything else but me. I realize some of you didn’t even know I had this personal blog lol. Well, it exists. And I’m going to be using it, and the other means of communication through which I have told others’ stories to tell my own. Finally.

So yeah…talk to you soon.